Sunday, December 27, 2009

I am putting some people on notice...

I like movies. Most people do...it is a nice way to escape real life for a couple of hours and not think about things. Every once in a while, though, a movie comes along that resets your love for movies. They don't come along very often...I remember being so pissed off at the movie Hannibal that it set me back a couple of years.

Last night, we decided to treat ExplosiveDaughter to a movie at Blockbuster, her choice. We walked out of there with probably the biggest dump of a movie I have ever seen. Seriously, this was the most uninspired schlock I have ever laid eyes upon, but that isn't the worst of it. This movie starred (well, the voices, at least) of several very highly regarded actors, but never, ever, even approached funny, well written, or entertaining. Here are some of the people that are now being put on notice by me:

Tracy Morgan - I love ya in 30 Rock. You are a very, very funny man. But you were completely reduced to a racist cliche in this movie. You were awful.

Jon Favreau - You almost get a pass because of Elf and Iron Man. But you don't, because you know what is good and what isn't. And this wasn't good...and not once, did you step up and say, Hey! I know what makes a good movie, and this isn't it! This sucks! And you should have, and you know it.

Penelope Cruz - You get a free pass on this because I don't think you would know a funny movie if it came and bit you on the ass.

Sam Rockwell - You are better than this...way better than this. You were brilliant in the Green Mile...almost made the movie...you were fantastic in Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy. You disappointed me thoroughly in this movie. It actually made me sad to see that was you at the end of this movie.

Will Arnett - You aren't that funny anyway...I haven't liked you in pretty much anything. If you weren't married to Amy Poehler, I don't think I would want you in any movies ever.

Zach Galifianakis - Shame, shame, shame on you. You probably had the best chance to influence this movie because you weren't an animated rodent. You were actually in it...and you still failed.

But all of these people pale in comparison to the person who deserves the most amount of criticism, all of it very well deserved, and that would be Hoyt Yeatman. Who is this, you ask? Why, he is the director. This is the man that couldn't get ONE FUNNY LINE out of any of these people, and he was content to do it. Have you ever seen Shrek, Hoyt? Somehow, they were able to make a kid's movie that was funny for both kids and adults. You had freaking Zack G, Tracy M, Jon F., AND the financial backing of Jerry Bruckheimer and this is the pile of goat shit you come up with?

Seriously, if you haven't figured it out, I am talking about G-Force. Please don't say that it was a cute movie....because I can make a cute movie filming an hour and a half of guinea pigs that would be funnier than this. Ugh...I am so disgusted about this movie, because it represents everything that is wrong with the movie industry today. Just throw together some names, and animate it with computers, and it doesn't have to be good! It just has to be able to sell Happy Meals! If we can put a gerbil on a Slurpee cup, the movie is a success!

I hope to all that is sacred you weren't forced to watch this movie...because it was awful. I was actually a little mad at my daughter for picking it out. If there had been ONE funny line in the movie, I might have just shrugged it off...but it was that bad. I would rather have watched Ken Jeong and Jane Lynch do a dramatic reading of War and Peace than watch this movie...seriously.

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